Quiet Isn’t Better

Finally I find quiet of my room

But the quiet isn’t better

Thoughts are still loud

Tears continue to burn my eyes

Headphones block out the noise on the outside

But never loud enough to block the noise on the inside

The cries, aches, thoughts

The stuff that’s been there for years

You wish to make it all just

Stop

Can’t everything stop

I can’t do it

Everydays the same

It never ends

What’s different?

Nothing is ever different

How can I make it stop

It’s slipping away

Are you slipping away

Am I slipping away

How can I stop from slipping

I made another mistake

I’m the mistake

How to stop making these mistakes

Why am I like this

I make everything worse

More difficult

How to stop making it worse and more difficult

They always need more

Will they forgive me

Do they know

Should I tell them

Will they forget me

Would anyone remember me

I’m spiraling

Faster everyday

Everything keeps moving faster

They keep laughing

Everyone keeps joking

“You should get the pills”

Stop

“The pills will help”

Stop

“God you’re so weird”

Stop

“Just be normal”

Stop

“Why are you talking so much”

I can’t stop

“I need you to be quiet”

It won’t stop

My words keep spilling out

Confessions I don’t wish to share

Meanwhile your words

Are bouncing against my skull

Pushing down on my chest

Making it hard to breathe

It won’t stop

Thoughts are screaming

Do the thoughts ever go away

Do the pills help with everything

Do they stop the OCD

Do they stop the anxiety

Do they stop the depression

Do they stop the ADHD

Do they stop the bleeding heart

Or just put a bandaid around it

while it’s still broken under the pressure

Does anybody even know what im talking about

Do they know what im feeling

Or are they all going to judge me

As they read this letter that makes no sense

Have I ever made sense to anyone

Am I still alone

I don’t want to be alone

I want to be happy

I want to keep going

But the headphones will never be loud enough to drown out the mistakes

And the tears are still burning my eyes as they drip on the page

And my fears will continue to never fade away

And I will never find the right words to say

•

- a tortured broken heart